What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 04:39
I will be 64.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was 9 years of age.
Is it true that most Indian men are gay and they just hide their feelings?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What is a good way to conduct an interview?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Put me off passion for life!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did my crush like me for only two days in a row?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im still living with it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.